Selina Kauzlarich - inspiring med essays

Submitted 2021-11-08

Growing up, I have always had an “easy” life, but what does that really mean? I can say that I have been on a path for my entire life, but it’s not one of those straight and narrow paths with an end in sight. Instead, my life has been one of those straight paths, but for some reason, I chose to run zigzag, jump when there was nothing to jump over and often run backwards. Let’s just say, I have not made my life “easy”. I am the definition of having things handed to me on a silver platter but saying, screw your silver platter. My motto was often to find and mine the silver myself, melt it down, put it back together and maybe hope I can make my own silver platter. Everything in my life had to be the hard route for me. It was like some sort of challenge. I tried to get myself emancipated at 15 years old from a loving mother, loving home. I experimented with the wrong crowds, wrong activities and often played with my life and cheated death more times than someone should ever in a lifetime. All those wrong turns led me to this moment in my life – 28 years later. I found myself in a career that I thought I loved and would grow old in, property management. However, two little blue lines on a stick would forever change my life on June 3rd. You guessed it; I was pregnant. I was ecstatic. My true purpose in life was to be a mom, I just knew it in the pit of my stomach. Unfortunately, this is not how this story ends.

A short two weeks after I found out I was pregnant, I found out that I would not be for long. The baby was growing somewhere, yes “somewhere”, that it wasn’t supposed to be. I was truly a mystery case and I had many doctors stumped. The baby was not in my uterus, but it was apparently not in my fallopian tubes either. So where was it? I had multiple doctors worried that it was attached to my liver, my bladder, somewhere in my abdomen. The only thing that any of my doctors could agree upon was that this was going to end up killing me and this was an extremely rare case. For the first time in my life, I wasn’t scared of death. I felt a love like no other when I found out I was pregnant and nothing anyone would say over the next month would make me terminate my pregnancy. It was all surreal and I thought this would be my miracle baby. I had defied so many odds in the past, this wasn’t going to be any different, I was going to be a mom. A few weeks later, I was rushed to the ER and had to have emergency surgery. The baby had ruptured, turned out it was hiding in my fallopian tube after all, and it was bleeding into my abdomen rapidly. By the time I was in the operating room, I had over 100mL of blood in my pelvis – I was on the brink of bleeding out. At this point, I had no say and the doctor’s obligation was to save my life at all costs, not my unborn child’s. They removed the fetus, my left fallopian tube and figuratively, a piece of my heart.

It was only 7 weeks from the day I found out I was pregnant to the day I almost lost my life, which felt like a lifetime. During that time, I saw countless doctors and had many experiences with different health professionals and a lot of nurses. I had some great experiences and some horrible ones. A few days after I got out of the hospital, I quit my job and knew I had to be better. I had to be better than those horrible nurses that had no sympathy, no warmth in their hearts and was just there “because it was a job”. I was going through the hardest time of my life and the few bad nurses I encountered made it worse. From that day, I vowed to make a difference. I enrolled in school and decided to pursue nursing. If I can make a difference in just one person’s life being a nurse, it will all be worth it to me. I now have the opportunity to make a patient’s life a little easier when they are faced with misery, fear, and pain. I don’t want to just make a difference; I will be that difference.